The other night I sang a song. The "on the spot" kind of song, the unrehearsed, never played before kind of song. The one that pours out of you while you sit on stage, with a red light shining down that says "look at her, she is to be looked at, stared at, all the creases in her eyes, in her mouth, the twitching of her nose, her hands"The light turned into a fierce heat, thick with expectation, holding me hostage until I gave it up. So I did. I wore a baseball cap as if to hide the truth of the words that slowly and shockingly came out of my mouth. They seemed to have a movement all their own. It's the kind of movement that doesn't think. It feels. It goes where and WHEN it wants to go.
Because you cannot turn the light off ON the musician, it's like turning the light off IN the musician, when ironically the light shouldn't really be a light at all but a sound, a noise, that is somehow heard through the 2 speakers that hang above. One on the left and one on the right, me in the middle playing god, singing anything I want to because people will believe you if you sing the truth that resides within you. So here we go... time to give my heart, a bit of my soul, some humor, depth.... "close your eyes...... turn yourself in... lyrics will then emerge" Thoughts take form. Beats fill the air. Music is created. Emotions are handed out. The audience wakes up or falls asleep. They are changed, opened, or shut down. Turned off or turned on. Me, I turn on.
That's kind of how it is with writing. Words on paper. At once we are judged for everything we haven't said and too much for what we HAVE said. Still, this is who I am. Nothing more and nothing less. I am afraid to share it. Just like on stage, in those few moments. Do it all or something less? I give it all. My sponsors expect it. I expect it. Don't rewrite, rethink, redo. I don't get a second chance on stage and I surrender to that small detail. One slip of the finger, lack of pronunciation, wrong pretense.
No, I will not edit this not for the over usage of comma's or run on sentences. My life IS taking place in the past, present and future, all jumbled up like a ball of rubber bands, overlapping in an array of color and meaning. I will not edit my life. I will not cut out one color so that the other one can shine through. I am no longer the onlooker, reading the journey of others. I have become the journey. I have become the song I sing. Welcome to my blog. Naked and shared.
