bending grass

Some Art

2011-07-16T10:52:00.006-06:00

There are many of you who don't really see what goes on behind my closed doors. Many of you. It's nothing too interesting. Usually it entails something nothing short of a rabbit hopping from one piece of artwork to the next in mid thought. Paint, charcol, pastels, ink and music staining my face and clothes.

I have a painting in the North West corner of my house. Black and white Indian Ink based illustrations in the North East section. Guitar, tuner and Capo in the South West and a Harmonica in the South East. I'm usually covered in the written word, a story a vision and they usually end up entangled in some sort. While I won't be able to post my new music and the written word just yet, here are some of the new and some of the old art creations I have been working on these last 9 months.

It's a art portfolio mess but I'm blissed out :)

More to be uploaded tomorrow!

A Story

2010-05-06T09:03:00.003-06:00

I recently went searching for a book written by Ram Dass and although I didn't find what I was looking for, in a way, the book that I really needed to read, found me.

I'm the type of person who buys a bottle of wine based upon the label. It's all about the presentation and what I connect to at that moment. The title of this book grabbed my attention , the way Thich Nhat Hanh's new book " You Are Here" did the same. Another book I highly recommend. "One Soul, One Love, One Heart. The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships." by John E. Welshons with a forward by Ram Dass. I'm on a path of soul searching at the present moment, more so than usual, and this book has supported my eagerness, determination, and practice to heal the relationship I have with myself, friends and family.

This morning I read this incredible story that I would like to share it with you.

"One of my favorite stories about Mahatma Gandhi involves a distraught mother who brought her young son to see Gandhi. She said, " Gandhi-ji, will you please tell my son to stop eating surgar? He is Diabetic, and sugar is very bad for him. He won't listen to me, but might listen to you." Gandhi sat quietly for a moment. When he finally spoke, he said nothing about sugar. He simply asked, " Will you bring your son back in one week?" The mother was puzzled, but she respectfully replied, "Yes, of course, Gandhi- Ji."
When she and her son returned one week later, they again stood before Gandhi. This time, Gandhi looked directly at the boy and said, " Young man, you must stop eating sugar. It is not good for you, and it is very troubling to your mother when you eat it."
The boy said, "Yes, Gandhi-ji. I will stop."
The mother was grateful, but also a little perplexed. "Thank you Gandhi-ji. But please tell me, why did you make us come back in one week? Why couldn't you just tell my son to stop eating sugar last week?"
Gandhi smiled and replied, "Last week, I myself, was still eating sugar." "

If you yourself are not ready for change then how can you expect or tell another to do so?

I invite you to ponder this story further :)

BIG ISLAND TIME

2009-04-25T12:20:00.027-06:00

these beautiful, wise, pre historic beings of the most incredible animal species I have ever seen, slowly inch themselves up to shore line to take a rest. most tourists get in their way, take photographs and ooh and ah, myself being one of them until i was told, "they are trying to sleep" the are so still they almost look as if there is no life left in them. graceful and kind, they find small nooks on secluded beaches far away from the mountains of modern life.

The "Kings Trail" an incredible, on going trail of about 28 miles or so, stretches over a fast amount of hardened lava rock. With each step your legs get black with dust and the crunch of clay meets furnace sounds reminds me of just enormous kiln.

the little man i "saved" from the indoors. my connection is slow, and the connection between the waves in my brain are even slower, what can i say, i am on island time.

Do you RUN or DO YOU, stay?

2009-04-14T20:13:00.030-06:00

This guy is obviously staying........ his shell is the only remains. Hunger from the sky will often shatter these little beautiful red gems of the sea OR the tide comes in and then out and they miss the last wave.

Just a top up for photographs! I am on the Big Island of Hawaii, ALOHA!

Pondering MY existence
Standing tall AND standing still
No, I didn't crack that coconut by myself. I did however watch my friend whack that machete in order for me to drink the soft, sweet and bubbly water inside... and then I took a sea shell and scooped out the rest. If that's not satisfying I don't know what is.
An image, like many, of contrast. It's lava and ALL growth.

These mangled, tangled pieces of drift wood remind me of some recent inner dialog, shared below.
A sun that is engulfed by it's own captivation

I followed this guy around for what seemed like hours..... to capture his throat bubble out. A slow process, as if I myself was blowing a a hollow circle from my own throat.

I would like to start this written ramble with a couple of well known sayings, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" AND "The Universe only provides what you CAN handle, nothing more and nothing less."........ something I am learning OFTEN these days.

It's hard to start this blog. I haven't truly written in months and I hope you don't mistaken that as lacking deep and constant inner dialog, because I HAVE been experiencing quite a lot of that. The truth is it's so jumbled, it's hard to put this inner dialog into an actual written sentence, and even more difficult to construct it so that it doesn't run on into a next jumbled sentence wrapped further around yet another jumbled concept..... see there you have it, should I even go on? Currently I am on the Big Island or Hawaii. It is one of the most energetic places on the Earth and being an Earth sign in a water based surrounding (my house is on the beach) there is nothing but movement, and while the lava does stand still when cooled, and chaos all around me. A warning perhaps to read on?

Over the years I have observed that there are two types of people; people who run and people who stay. There are also two ways of viewing both the people who "run" and the people who "stay" The people who "run" could be viewed as heroic, always moving, never settling for anything less then what they envision they are capable of receiving, both from themselves or from the world. They bounce when the truth is stagnant and make like the current of a river and flow. They run, move and they become the movement. The people who "stay" could be viewed as cowards. They fear change and anything outside the comfort of their nest. They never move, never experience anything beyond what is placed, comfortably, in front of them, because they fear, for lack of another seemingly relevant power word, everything and anything that is the unknown. Ironic yes. EVERYTHING is unknown... oh no? When has anything gone exactly how you planned it?

Unfortunately for me, as I fall in the category of the people who "run", there are other ways of viewing these people. The runner, runs when things get tough......" when the going gets tough they get going" or something like that.... they run from the loss; when their expectation of their perfection created in their minds, is lost. They run from anything as soon as the challenge begins, as soon as the job sours, a relationships excitement wears off, an argument is had or the weather makes a turn for the worst. Or actually the "runner" never has a problem running from external things, they are usually found roaming the road, the mountains, or the rough sea's. Although they are the adventurous ones, they do however, run from the softness behind the walls they build around it.

Their weakness is an internal one not an external one. They run to something bigger and better and when the adrenalin from that "newness" is lost, the road is their only friend. Those who don't run, stay, and they stay within the struggle of a bitter boss, a tired relationship, an uncomfortable life, a sad state of being. BUT, they stay. They endure, AND if they stay long enough, they are able to witness but the storm of the struggle and with that comes the calm after the storm, if tap into the calm before the storm is over, their gift is in the rewards of inner peace among the outer chaos. The runners never witness this beautiful dance. They leave the storm before it starts, and while it may seem that they are in the clear, they are far from it. The storm follows them down their path until they too have no other choice but to face it.

There are times when you do run. You run when it's time to leave a life that doesn't serve you any longer, but when a morning jog turns into a sprint, which turns into a decade of long distance, it's time to stop. So, back to my first quote " What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" you better believe it will. There are MANY times this past year when I have wanted to bail out. For instance, the time I was peeing down the side of a sacred mountain high in the Himalayan Mountains and I was sick from lack of sleep, sick of the raw and black smoke nestled deep into every crevasse of my clothes and skin from every kitchen in every village we roamed through, sick of my legs hurting, my head pounding, and the emotional tidal waves that came up every time I saw something that broke through the walls to my heart..... and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a large and green army helicopter and thought, "now is my chance, run for it, leave everything, get on that and get out of here!!!!!" Needless to say, I continued in my calm squat while I observed my inner dialogue conflict. I stayed. I stayed through the next few weeks of the same torture, the inner torture and the physical torture. I emerged as sick as and as happy as I have ever been in my entire life. The struggle was worth it. The storm was worth all the calm.

Then there is the second quote I would like to refer too.. " The Universe will never provide what you can't handle, it will however provide what you can, nothing more and nothing less." It will provide exactly what you need, at any given time, in order to encourage GROWTH. Whatever it is that you are experiencing is for a reason. I know not just one reason, but MANY reasons. The lessons that come from the endless amounts of experiences, both trying and pleasant, are bit's and pieces from life's golden treasure chest. Choose to embrace whatever deep and aching emotions or trying experiences come up for you. Challenge the challenges that lie presently and that lie ahead. Understand that your current experience is exactly what you need to grow into a more enlightened human being. If not enlightened, then wiser, and if not wiser then more compassionate and if not more compassionate than, if anything, more accepting. The challenge is not to run or to stay, the challenge is to find calm IN the storm, not AFTER the storm, and when you have found the calm in the middle of the storm, then any experience you have will be nothing but peace.

REALLY?

2009-02-27T10:31:00.006-07:00

Vanity "02
Mountain Wolf "07
Jade Print " 08
Peruvian Man "07

Has it really been almost FOUR months since I touched this blog?? Maybe it's due to the menu of options in my life right now......... "move to Hawaii" is what the little person inside my gut said........ booked flight/ left studio/ quit job/ and then drove up to Vail.... didn't get on the flight . The same person inside my gut said "DO NOT get on that plane"

I am currently looking out onto a crisped snow field about to head further into the mountains of Buena Vista, CO. I guess no sun, warmth, growth, surf, and Aloha for me after all.

Stay tuned Bending Grass.com is about to shift into an entirely new world filled with art/ photography/ the written word/ charity projects/ and music.

No words of wisdom/ advice or great insight into life. I am just slowly watching the prayer flags hanging out over the deck at a friends house, sipping tea, and looking at the white, dark gray sky. Lack of color I had expected to be viewing, but by no means lack of richness.

The Menue of Options

2008-11-09T12:15:00.004-07:00

I woke up from a dream this morning, ringing through my head, and it has me in shackles because I can't seem to set it aside.

It goes something like this:

I was at a local restaurant here in Boulder CO with a good friend of mine. She couldn't figure out what she wanted to order and so she hesitantly ordered a salad. I couldn't decide and so I told our server to come back in a bit. When the salad came Annie then said she didn't want it and it's not what she had ordered.

Meanwhile the menu continued to stare at me, popping out many different dishes. Almond, squash and black bean soup. Tofu and snap pea Indian curry. The menu was full of variety and although I couldn't make up my mind, there were many choices of delicious dishes to choose from. They were all attainable, presented to me in clear fashion, all I had to do was decide on one and the server would plug it into the computer, the chefs would make it and then I would eat it.

I wasn't sure what kind of mood I was in and I was afraid that the dish I would decide on wouldn't turn out the way I expected it too, like Annie's salad, and then I would be stuck eating a dish I didn't want in the first place! YES, worst things have happened.

I never ordered. I woke up.

The reason why this dream continues to play itself out within my day is because it has an important message for me. I can HAVE whatever I WANT. I just have to sit down, listen to what I am feeling, and decide.

Have you ever been in a restaurant or in the grocery store and been oddly overwhelmed by the options that you get to pick from, then ordered or grabbed something off the shelf, continue to wait for the meal or stood in line to pay and the realize, "oh, I don't really want this!" and run to the server or back to the isle of goods and exchanged it? The sense of relief is silly but incredible.

That is a metaphor that can be moved throughout our lives on many different levels. You don't HAVE to eat the meal if you don't like it. It's a choice. You don't HAVE to buy something or choose something you are not 100% sure of. You don't have to do.....................anything.

I know drastic or just plain obvious but I guess that is the greatest thing about being US. We have so much choice it's ridiculous and yet oddly beautiful or even still, strange. Anything you would like to accomplish, anything you would like to do this lifetime is up to YOU to get it done.

There are many options. You don't have to chose the first one presented. Sit with it. Feel it out and then once decided, chose it. In time it will follow, you just have to be patient and trust that everything happens all in due time or never at all. And if never at all, never meant to be I guess.

Deep and profound thoughts from your bending grass gal.

Crossing Over

2008-11-02T13:47:00.007-07:00

My objective this morning was to get started on some grant writing, converting one company over to another, and working on the new Bending Grass Project website. I flipped open the black leather cover on my journal expecting to see a bunch of miscellaneous writings, a "to do list" of sorts, but instead, ink drawings popped out of the page, transporting me back into Nepal. I seemingly grabbed the wrong journal.NEPAL...... It's a place...word.... time in my life that keeps repeating itself and I find that no matter what I do or where I go these days, this little nook settled in between India, and Tibet crosses over into my present world OFTEN.

Roaming through Upper Dolpo, with no camera to capture the experience with, due to a leaky tent with a lot of rainwater, I resorted to good old fashion ink and paper. It was more time consuming and hard to stay in one place, both physically and mentally, as my eyes and feet wanted to do more wondering then sitting, but sitting and sketching was what brought the spinning world of the Tibetan Plateau to rest. Presently I don't have to scroll through my photo files to remember what my trip consisted of. I scroll through unorganized compartments within my mind, sifting through the memories like a 1953 home video projected on a wall. Instead of the click clack of the shutter opening and closing, soft sounds of scratching filled the air around me colliding with the roaring river, horse tails swinging at flies, or the clanking of stoking of the fire. I slowly began to SEE what I had been walking through and sitting in silence, like a sponge absorbing it all, my Upper Dolpo moments are seemingly ingrained into my being for lifetimes to come.

Don't get me wrong. I love my camera and I love photography. It's an art and skill that only comes with time and an innate ability to capture life in a blink of an eye. Photographs tell of stories in more words then a written description and can become so moving that the image stays with that individual for the remainder of their lives. BUT it's fast. Rather it can be fast but so can sketching for that matter. By sitting down I allowed my eyes to stop bouncing around like a pin ball machine and rest, in a soft gaze, on the slate rooftops, dried warped wood stacked in clean piles, or placements of hand carved designs etched into wooded doors and windows. In complete awe I began to stare at the art that weaved itself in and out of the villages in Dolpo. Everything was intricately crafted. A lot of intention went behind all that was created. The entire plateau was an art gallery and it only made sense that I too should put as much intention into what I was creating. Pen in hand I began to capture my days, but soon along with my camera, the pen slowly began to join the camera deep within my backpack and the only thing that remained were my eyes, ears, hands and nose.

Yesterday I created intention as my feet and fingers found small holds on a rock face wall sitting deep in Dream Canyon. My mind and body are usually used to SEEING the next hold labeled with a vibrant color of tape, strapped along holds on a make shift wall in a climbing gym. It's easy for my body to automatically reach for the next hold just moments after landing on the present one. It's also fast. So fast, that I when I reach the top of the route, I am perplexed on how I got there. Being on the rock face yesterday, a river raged below, and the stillness of the canyon brought me back into that flat space of calm, the kind that I experienced so often in Dolpo. There was no red, turquoise, or gold tape highlighting the best place to place my body. There was only the pure rock or grey and mossy green concealing any possible jutting ledge for rest. I began to sink back into the present moment. Nothing else was going on except the air on my neck and the feeling of crunching fingers into a crack in the side face. I glided my fingers over the jagged rock, and although I could feel the first few layers of my skin start to peel back, my body relaxed as they secured a solid hold. My toes felt around for a steadier surface.

"Attention" the oboe bird repeatedly articulated, in Aldous Huxley's book, Island. Climbing and Island go hand in hand for me. I started climbing during my second year at University just about the same time I began my philosophy courses with professor Baylor Johnson. He changed everything in my world and so did that book. Tuning IN and paying "attention" is exactly what happens on a rock face wall. Rushing won't work. Steady movement, created by full attention to the moment, is the ONLY thing that will keep your heart and head calm and encourage focused intention on placement of the next hold. It's a kind of "walking" or "doing" meditation.

Climbing inside vs. climbing outside might be the same thing as photography vs. drawing. While I enjoy fast moving things like my oddly fast typing skills, the ability to fly down a hill on my bike, or the way a fully composed song will manifest seemingly out of thin air when I sit down to play my guitar, I also have noticed that cross country skiing, strolling in the forests, or the hours of prep that goes into cooking food or creating a painting is more my style: SLOW.

I crossed over into Nepal this morning through the turning of pages in my sketch journal. I crossed over into a really beautiful and quiet space on that rock wall in Dream Canyon yesterday. Emotions, thoughts, memories, and everything that has been created or that will ever be created, will do so at their own speed but with clear and peaceful intention. If I can remember the ability to be mindful and artistic within rock climbing and painting, I can remember to be mindful and create the same intention within every moment this lifetime. My life is but a canvas and I am the artist. I won't rush the placement of things. I'll take time to step back, see the colors that I love and the colors that I don't, and figure out how to reconstruct my life so that it’s a life that allows me to cross over into different countries, artistic encounters, and into more adventures.

OK, back to my "real" work

"Great Truths Are Distruibted Into Smaller Forms of Chaos"

2008-10-18T10:36:00.027-06:00

A lot of laughter was to be had at high altitudes and although there was lack of oxygen there was by no means a lack of silliness. That ability to take ourselves lightly, cured us from the aches and pains that went hand in hand with the hours of trekking that day.

The Stellera chamaejasme L is from the family known as Thymelaeacea. Medicinal usage of this plant is to relieve disease and pain from swelling. It is used as a antiseptic for open wounds, poultice for swellings and fractured bone. Although it's slightly poisonous, seemly all plants in the Upper Dolpa are, and can cause headache if smelled, was one of the most vibrant plants we came across.

The funny thing about medicine is that it's main usage is for relieving, treating or preventing disease.

Last night a friend and I had the opportunity to see an exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Denver. As we walked up to the second floor, echoes of our feet and breath dragged behind us in a whisper, bouncing off the cement and metal that acted as the stairwell. We arrived to the Damian Hirsh exhibition. Eyes roamed past a few instillation's and rested on the wall across from us. Directly in the middle of the wall, large white shelves had been installed and various prescriptions were displayed. It could have been any ones medicine cabinet or any of the multiple drug stores that sweep across this country and those of others. I vividly remember walking into a Tibetan "hospital" and seeing this same display of bottles. Some where bandages, small glass bottles with medicinal plants resting within, and westernized antibiotics. There, in front of me last night, plastic bottles and cardboard containers were labeled with terms that are roughly unfamiliar to me, although I did happen to see an underlying theme. RELIEF. "constipation relief" "head ache relief" "relief of fever or swelling" "relief of pain" "Prozac" and "zantac".

I couldn't help but recognize the theme that is running through our country. People are constantly seeking relief. Relief of heartache, cold, sickness, stress, anxiety, bodily aches, emotional pains, or economic relief. If we get a cut, we stick a bandage on it. If we get a stomach ache, we take something to subside the discomfort. A fever = take Tylenol. Sleepless = sleeping pills. Infection: antibiotics. It's interesting to see that we have forgotten that these symptoms are our bodies way of communicating to us that something needs to change within our daily lives to restore order. We are seeking external material to restore an internal issue.

A fever is a good sign that the body is heating itself to kill off a virus. A bodily discomfort is the bodies way of saying "something isn't right here, what ever you are doing please stop" A stomach ache could possibly mean an allergy to a food. Stress could be a clue that you need to take more time for yourself and encourage time for reflection and ways to include more peaceful activities into your daily life. To be constipated could me various health issues but it could be as simple as adding more fiber and water into your diet. Many people turn to food, shopping, drugs or alcohol in order to suppress emotions.

While we are eager to get our hands on external remedies we aren't as easily ready to make the change within that might be able to prevent our ailments. Take the presidential election for instance. We are putting a lot of pressure on just one man to relieve our countries aliments. It's like saying, " Tylenol or Advil ". McCain vs. Obama. We can continue to pop a pill but the pain won't stop, it will only be suppressed and will continue to show itself until we get to the root of the problem. Our countries problems are not the result of just one man. Absurdity is what I call blaming a wrongful president for ALL the current chaos of our country. If we should point a finger it should be at ourselves. If the PEOPLE are unwilling to make the change there is no way the President of the United States can make it for us. If we are unwilling to understand what our bodies are telling us the pills will do nothing but mask the destruction.

Take consumerism for example. The average American wants food, clothes and gas at the absolute minimal cost. The result is overseas manufacturing ie. child labor in China, Indonesia or Thailand, while also creating less jobs here within the United States. We want organic or natural foods but won't support local farmers because it's too expensive. In order to satisfy a growing interest of less toxic foods, the FDA diminishes the regulations for an organic title, allowing major companies, previously not adhering to sustainable methods and growing mass amounts of foods with pesticides, permission to slap on the "FDA approved Organic" sticker. The result is mass produced "organic" foods and local farmers who go bankrupt in the process.

We say we don't want on or off shore drilling within the United states. We say that we don't support this war. We even get it printed on a bumper sticker. Those of you who use a car but don't support the war.... do you realize that the war exists partially because we "need" more oil here in the states? Do you recognize that you pumping gas results in more American and foreign deaths every day or are you not yet willing to take any form of blame? Step away from our cars, step away from foreign reliance and we can step back from the war. But we are not yet willing to step away from our cars or our spending. We are not yet willing to minimize our spending we are not yet ready to reel in our consumerism mentality. Our entire country is a walking contradiction and please don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I fall into this category. We consume, consume consume.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.....or so they say. But if your eyes are closed you can't see the light and if you don't walk the tunnel you won't get out of the tunnel. Unless we acknowledge that more things; drugs, food, gas, clothes, homes, cars and accessories will not bring us true happiness, then our country will continue to head down the same path it has for decades. Bringing a new president into office won't change that. Another prescription won't get rid of the disease. A new job. A new outfit. A new car. A new house. Things will not bring constant happiness. They will not change anything. An external solution will not solve an internal problem.

There is always a door to be opened and a door to be shut. It just depends on if we are willing to close the door on a room that no longer serves us. Unless we are ready, will we be able to fully push back the door to a new room; a new way.

Reaching Within

2008-10-11T12:53:00.048-06:00

I am learning to embrace stepping within.

To Find A Balance In Life During It's Constant Movement Is A Challenge.

Not Impossible.

Everything that ever was is defined in terms of contrast. Dark vs light. Good vs bad. Right vs. wrong. Awake vs. sleep. Happy vs. sad. Love vs. hate or rich vs. poor. Are all of these things not just words that are taped on the side of a box; a defined square of judgement withholding emotions or visions that the human language labels? They sit in a box cluttered in a restrictive category, entangled in guilt because they can be nothing other then the label on their box.

When is enough enough? When do we say, "what's the difference"? One laughter is an others howl. One sound is an others deafness. One closed heart is only an others open heart. Balance is tricky but it's not unattainable. The "vs" within the contrast of two items is what keeps them separated. What if we took out the "vs" and just left it as is? Happy next to sad is basically saying happy IS sad and vise verse. Balancing could be as easy or as hard as walking a plank that sits on a sharp edged stone. Maybe the best place to have your feet planted is somewhere in the middle, either that or taking the plunge off the one of the sides. Is it possible to find the balance in extreme difference? Is it possible to find find steadiness in constant movement?

Escaping

I have been writing about a home grown life vs. life on the road. Is it possible to have both? Is it possible to roam the edge of the world and then come home and grow a vegetable garden? Who would maintain that crafted home with the wood stove and the compost pit next to the chicken coup while the other half of you is gone roaming around and shifting the world? Would one life abandon the other life? Would the door swing open, everyone jump ship and leave one life behind? What if you want both? What if you want to pull back that swinging door that sits on the edge of the cliff and slam it shut?

Getting Entangled

A friend recently said to another friend, "I want to get all entangled in your life".......
Isn't life entangled either way? Aren't we all just moving from one experience to the next wrapping ourselves in each others lives and leading a spool of thread on our trail? Life is meant to be a web of thoughts and ideas, friendships and careers, intimacy and connection. Wouldn't it only make sense to get yourself entangled?

A perfect example would be my hair. It's curly. Straight. Flat AND fro, all in the same moment. It's entangled almost 99% of the time. It's messy. Dramatic . Graceful. Soft. Crunchy. It gets caught in friends earrings. It gets caught in spiky branches in the trees or in the thorns down low in the forests. I have most of my day stuck in my hair. It's as symbolic and as beautiful as having lines on the face of older women and men who gather up years as they continue to stride forward. You can't really show that you have lived this life without proof. So again, isn't the saying wanting to get "all entangled in your life" one of the most fluid, graceful AND beautiful things that you have ever heard?!?!?!

I say GET ENTANGLED. Get as deep and lost within someone else as humanly possible. Get as captured, mixed up and involved with all of life, as you can.

That's my profound "ah ha" of the the week.

Skipping Over The Lilly Patch

I have been writing about the past. A fogged up memory of something that once was and as beautiful as that image is, when is it time to truly let go of something that only exists within a compartment of you brain?

When is it time to sift through your photographs, emotions, and dreams that no longer are?

When do you hit that delete button?

Choosing to Swim

I am ALSO, besides everything else, in this constant, slash stagnant, place within my writing. For the past two months I have been stuck. It's not like I have been stuck within my life although, is being stuck within my writing an example of being stuck within my life? Or is this "stickiness" a classic example of writers block? Is it normal to throw out so many questions knowing very well it's not like the the black hole within this satellite connection is ever going to answer me?

So I keep asking myself, "Do I even write at all?" Do I sink or DO I SWIM....even if it's only doggy paddle?

I have been writing about hearts opening, closing and re-opening

I have been writing about things that should be more black and white but ARE NOT

I have been listening and writing,with pleasure, the rustling of death in the trees

I have spent hours writing about the constant color and beauty in my life

I have spent hours writing about the ground and constant movement in life

I have spent hours writing about LOVE.......

I have ALSO written about:

Art. Brilliant people. Creative concepts. The color of EVERYTHING. My mind is racing with new things to write about and constantly shifting and changing it's topic every 2 seconds.

Change IS an inevitable process of life. Aren't we always going to be in constant flux? Isn't it silly to hold on to anything be that an idea or relationship? Isn't it silly if we never wanted to change at all: too afraid of what lies ahead but knowing that movement is what is necessary for growth?

How boring would we be or how boring life would be if there wasn't some sort of movement to it.

Our summer has shifted into Autumn. Leaves are turning a crazy collage of color. Each leaf being dipped in it's own separate compartment of paint. Each one falling at any given moment but the right time for the individual leaf. They fall after they peak. While a lot of folks are driving around to involve themselves in the "LAST " weekend to go hunting for a golden red fire in the hills, there are those of us who are also about to peak emotionally and physically. We then start to make room for winter to come in with a soft and silent presence as all signs of a fast paced summer burns itself out.

Seasons all have their peaking months. Jobs peak. Songs and books peak... do we all in a sense "peak" within a relationship, job, creative form, athletic time, or as a whole on a specific time or date? I'd like to think that it's best to leave a social gathering when it's at it's prime. That way you don't over extend your stay and all the drama that takes place later on in the night isn't something you have to carry on into the morning. BUT what if you place such a high or low expectation on the "peak" experience that you never actually get to live the peak experience because you cut it off before it has it's chance to play out? What if you end the job, relationship, creative form BEFORE it peaks?

My hands often find themselves wrapping around multiple tree trunks a day. I like holding on to things that let me hold on to them. Have you ever tried to hug a tree that pulled away before you were done hugging it? But the point of this side tracked story wasn't the hugging of a tree. It was about discovering perfectly bright orange and green streaked leaves and finding running fingers latching onto these leaves, tugging on them so that they would "fall" into my hands. Do I push the peaking to meet my own needs? Do I push and pull too hard because I THOUGHT that the leaves should be in my hands rather then complete it's cycle? YES. Why?

Why do we think we know when something should be over, removed, moved on from or let go? We make constant plans that all take place in the future, in a "time" that hasn't even manifested itself yet and while we do this we also make a ton of unknown expectations. I wonder what would happen if we literally just LET GO. What if we took everything in this one moment and surrendered it over? What if we let this moment reach it's full potential? Would we all be wiser, kinder and more compassionate to allow the day to play itself out before we had the chance to capture it in a cage of meaning?

I have written about being ungrounded. Grounded. Sinking and swimming......

Being thrown off guard. Being hurt. Sad. Liberated. Excited. Heavy and light all in one sentence

As the weather seems to be reflecting emotions these days, the lightness has settled in and the laughter is constant. Some of the most incredible art presents itself when emotion reaches an extreme low or high. There is an on going joke with the brilliant musicians and artists in my life. The joke is this: Thank Jimminy Cricket, god, and the universe for the heartache. Tragedy. The falling. Crying. Worthlessness. Thank god for the disaster. The unexpected in greatness and disappointment. The lack of loyalty. The friends and intimate relationships that PUSH so hard there is no where to go but down and then back up again.

I wouldn't have the material. I wouldn't be the artist that I say I am.

The greatness in my life is reflected in my art. This is art. This expression. This chaos. This structure. This ability to let it ALL JUST GO......is my art.

Some of our best work comes out when we least expect it because the door is left swinging open minus the expectation. Some of us need to do a better job of letting go of our judgements of ourselves and to be, ONLY, ourselves.

The truth lies under all of our layers. Remove them for a second. Can you feel that the breath just created a little bit of space within the corners of your life? Did you get a glimpse of balance?

Are you reaching within?

Uploading My Life

2008-08-04T09:06:00.010-06:00

Uploading photographs on a slow Internet connection is kind of what it feels like to be in my head right now. I have tried to wrap my hands around the life that I have been living the past year. Kind of like the way a piece of seaweed clutches to sticky rice. The rice being the experience and the seaweed my hands..... the experience isn't sticky enough for my hands to grasp, nothing has settled, and so everything just kind of hangs there, uncomfortable with the obvious.

I now sit in a small, white, rocking chair out on open marsh land in St. Michael's, Maryland. The Chesapeake Bay stretches across the horizon, my lap top stretches across my exposed thighs. Fireflies latch on to my obnoxiously bright screen and little itchy red bites forming around my ankles due to the beloved mosquito. I upload my photographs like I upload my thoughts and every now and then the connection shows four bars instead of one, and then all is lost. My reality is all jumbled up in a field of wild flowers. It smells beautiful, it looks beautiful and it is beautiful, but by the gift of chance.

This is my life. The photographs posted happen to be part of it and the only thing I can share with you during my one bar time.

Same Same BUT Different

2008-07-26T21:39:00.004-06:00

I hate to say it but I A. don't have their names and B. I can't tell if the computer made these photographs too dark or I did. Either way, will modify them when I can.

At the very beginning of my trip I noticed, and wrote an earlier post about it, my lack of motivation to photograph the people that covered the streets of Nepal. The lack of motivation wasn't actually due to physical stamina, although I wish it had been, but by the overwhelming guilt that I had for the richness of my life AND the severe poverty that lingered around every corner and crack that I came across.

In those around me, I was painted with an air of wealth and instead of my usual roaming eyes, they stayed secure to the ground in front of me. Roaring with sadness and helplessness I turned off my camera and hid it in a bag in my hotel room. For over a month both camera and heart remained in hiding. Partially due to malfunction, the obvious of what happens to a camera when it sits in rainwater for a night in a leaky tent and partially due to the hardness that took over and the walls that I built in order to keep my tears under control.

No matter where I stepped or what road I traveled down, my pant legs and arms were tugged at by little hands covered in dust and sticky with sweat and fruit juice. They roamed the streets eager to find a foreigner with some extra rupees tucked deep in their pockets. I was once convinced of buying a tattered book after I had stupidly asked to take a look at it while my cab driver sat in traffic. A book that turned out to be fairly interesting but seemed to be lacking pages 130-172 and then consistently being out of order there after. By the way, I highly recommend bypassing buying books from kids selling them in the middle of street lanes, during rush hour traffic in Delhi. While I got accustomed to over tipping rickshaw drivers and buying extra bananas at the local veggie stand so that I could hand them out on my way home, I never could get accustomed to my lack of eagerness to sit beside these people and learn of their stories. And no matter how many times I walked passed the same person on the street to say namaste or give away some food, I never quite got the courage to take their photograph.

Present Day.

The same three smiling men walk or hobble up and down one main street in Dharamsala, India. I walk by them daily in my mad dash to my Thangka painting class. The first few times I smiled, my hands to my heart, bowed, and not out of character, kept my eyes to the ground. The next few times I would walk by them afraid to dig through my change providing either too little or too much of what I had. The other night I knew I had a bill of 500, ran into one of them, told them that I would find them tomorrow, then felt guilty and ran to the nearest store to grab some smaller bills and chased him down.

Today I took a seat next to two of them, names of which I will have to add later, my Hindi isn't the best and I say that with a smirk. There were onlookers and those who didn't notice, but we slowly began talking a bit about their conditions. One, a man who loves to talk to you in Hindi even though he knows I don't have much concept of what he is saying, I can read his gestures. In his broken English he told me he has a little boy of six years who attends school and is looked after by his mother. His hands have been filed away to near stubs as his feet showed the same condition. Leprosy is his genetic curse, a disease that often casts one out of society and leaves them fending for themselves in the street. It's been 11 long years.

The other man had to have his leg removed when he was 24 years old. He was hit by a truck and a very old prosthetic hitches on to the very top of his left thigh baring the little he has left. He is 39 years old. The third, of who I have yet to get his full story from, I find out, had polio at a young age. Bow legged and large square blocks as feet, he moves unsteadily on his crutches. A tin can is always clutched in one hand along with a beautiful crooked, toothless smile. Unable to open or carry an umbrella when the monsoon rains fall, he moves quietly drenched in downpour. He is the one that moves me the most. Hearing their stories I nod in apology as If I had something to do with their misfortunes and then we all nod together in understanding. Such is life.

Feeling like I had just made some friends I asked to photograph them, explaining that I write about my travels and the people I encounter and that I would like to write about them. I told them that once it was up on the computer I would take them into a Internet cafe and show them the "article". Which I still plan to do. The photographs are haunting and graceful. Full of laughter, sorrow and sometimes awkwardness of the camera that seeks to capture something no words or image could capture. (I provided you with a few, there are more in my care which I may or may not share with you.)

I do not have missing limbs and do not need to beg for money on the street, but there is a saying here in this part of the world. "Same same. But different." We are all the same experiencing this life but no doubt in different ways. We have ups and downs, joys and sorrows, mothers and fathers who are still with us or who have passed on. Children in school, brothers and sisters in different towns or on different continents.

If one looked at some of the photographs of these men they would see two ragged beings, mangled limbs and begging for a better way of life. But if one would just look a bit longer, a bit deeper, they would see a story of two beings that are very much like everyone else. We all have a history, a story that goes along with the life that is present. I no longer see poverty and mutation as sad or even hard to look at. These men have made me see the absolute beauty even in all of their pain. They smile with each other OFTEN. They collect money for their families, for their children's education and more food on their plates. And while I once thought that I could never even begin to make a difference within the lives over here, my eagerness to ask them questions and to sit with them, to not just throw them some change but to engage with them, has made all the difference in the world. They have a story to tell and few who will listen. I was able to provide an outlet for that.

Nearing to the end of my trip my walls no longer hang too high. My camera and I have reunited and my sadness doesn't take me by surprise like it once had. I have learned to fight my way around the traffic of cars that crowd the narrow streets, banging on the side to let the driver know I am passing them. I no longer jump when a jeep or bus horn blasts in the back of my head, but move quickly and unfazed out of the way. My eyes no longer search for something more pleasant to keep it's gaze but more often find their way into the soft and kind eyes that sit in contentment on a side stoop.

I can never again judge a book by it's cover. I can never again just hand out a banana or some spare change. My journey has proved successful because I have been forever changed. I have not mastered, but understood that underneath all the pain still lies the beauty and while pages often go missing the overall story stays the same.

MAYA: A serious love of my life

2008-07-04T00:01:00.008-06:00

The appreciation that these Tibetan people eluded was incredible. I have never felt so at peace and so grateful for their hospitality during the trip. My guide Tsering Passang (shown in red and blue jacket) was incredible and although we both lacked each others first language, which proved to be a huge emotional headache at times, he provided outstanding assistance in guiding me to the people who needed our donations the most.

this is the reason why Upper Dolpa was our destination

altitude sickness on one of many 17,000 ft passes ( these three photographs were provided by http://www.solbeam.com/ because she rocks and my camera broke)

I have just recently re-emerged from "the upper dolpa" as I call it, with a fresh new perspective on life and just straight up love for it. The time in the mountains rocked me to the very core and it's just too hard for me to explain how that happened, and I am sure you will learn of it more in my future posts. It's taken some days to get back into civilization but it has been all too easy to eat anything but dal bhat and enjoy simple things like calling friends and family, telling them that I love them, catching up over e mail, and reading about what has been taking place within the rest of the world while I was lost in my own great nook of it. A nook that now holds all of my fears and dreams in the cracks of the dirt, roaring rivers, and spirits that guard each pass.

You know you have shead some serious layers both physically and emotionally when you stroll into town, ask for the nearest international phone, and call home; caked with dirt, hair mated to my head, trekking pants being held up by an extra shoe lace, and my emotions SO raw that tears strolled down my face as soon as my sister and mom both answered the phone 5am east coast time. "I am out, that was the most difficult and scary thing I have ever endured. I messed up my ankle, but I am fine. I am changing my flight and will see you in August. I love you." was pretty much all I could muster up and say before the connection was pretty much lost within a crackling line and 15 Nepali men eyeing me like hawks.

And while there are just too many stories to get lost in on one post, and this might excite you, I have decided to update more frequently with hysterical and emotional dailies of sorts so that you can feel like you yourselves were on the roller coaster of a journey.

I am still recovering from a retched bout of food poisoning, which by the way I got our first day out of the wilds and into an actual "town" which was more like a village gone mad and trying to become a town. Electricity and cellphones, refrigerators but still cooking on a clay oven using fire. Tibetan based hardboard beds and National Geographic on TV. Yeah, National Geographic TV, is in a village in Lower Dolpa. It was nice though, red bucket to my right and a NG special on rare alligator species.

Please stay tuned for another "story" in a day or so.

Night Stop in Kathmandu

2008-05-27T02:30:00.007-06:00

Night stop Ktm, originally uploaded by bendinggrass.

I find it almost impossible to upload photographs, which I feel like I have said over and over again, possibly boring my few readers, SO if you don't see photographs, it's not that I haven't been taking them, it just takes about a full day to upload ONE, and for those of you who know me know I don't have patience for that. Now THAT was a run on sentence :)

Nepal overall seem to be in a bit of chaos right now and although it's new for me to be in such chaos, others go about their daily lives with nothing more than a nod of the head. I just overheard a woman vaguely mention that three bombs went off last night just down the street from where she lives. I am not exactly sure why, although I am sure I could figure it out. I guess that isn't concerning and to be honest it didn't quite phase me either BUT, I think it probably should have. I am on sensory overload, which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you view it and have JUST begun to grasp the reality that I am presently living in Kathmandu at a VERY interesting and crazy time.

Petrol is just nearly COMPLETELY exhausted and the few vehicles that roam the streets do so because of some of it illegally sliding through the black market selling at an alarming rate. There is a prediction all will be gone by the 28th, just tomorrow, and who even knows if we will be able to get from Kathmandu to Beni and even further up to Jomsom or even further, what the state will be when we finally do re emerge from the mountains. Petrol usually provides a thick fog that hangs over the city and the lack of it has allowed us to experience clear skies and equally clean air for the last few days, something I have eagerly excepted. The other night on our way back from Thamel, a usually quick taxi ride, we saw the most astounding line up of vehicles and motor bikes, all taking their place to acquire some black market fuel. Word on the street is that most people wait close to 18 hours. Our driver spoke broken English swearing off the price increase and the diminishing fuel in his own vehicle that threatened to run out and suggest a late night walk the rest of our way home. Many other cars sat in the middle of the streets, petrol expired and causeing last minute dodging as to not collide.

Yesterday, after a long day of Dolpa planning, the three of us, myself and two friends, enjoyed a cold beer on the third floor balcony of our guest house that overlooks Boudha, seemingly worlds away from the streets below. For the first time since I arrived, I felt myself breath. That kind of breath is always accompanied by a deep sigh, followed by an act of surrender, and a further act of acceptance. " I am right where I should be." my very insides said as I aimlessly got lost in the blinding, white glow that individually wrapped itself around each exploding cloud. It was the first sunset I had seen for a painfully long time and the heat from it evaporated all thoughts and concerns about our approaching trip, that threatened to take me out of my meditative state.

Christina and I spent an exhausting although exciting, five hours with Sunil, our translator and permit "go to" guy; Tsering Passang, our Tibetan translator and Dolpa guru (his hometown is Tinjegaon Dolpa) and Gumpa Sherpa, our English and Nepali translator. Although I only heard two English words come out of his mouth, he proves to be an incredible addition to our team with his HUGE smile and genuine kindness. If you take precaution I will let you in on our itinerary, minus photographs of the map (slow connection... SIGH)

A TRIP TO DOLPA (which everyone else in the world pronounces AND spells as "Dolpo" )

June 1st: Kathmandu - Gemi (bus)
June 2nd: Gemi - Tataponi (bus)
June 3rd: Tataponi - Ghasa - Jomsom (jeep/ trek)
June 4th- 9th: Jomsom - Charka (trek)
June 10th: Charka (deliver shoes)
June 11th -12th: Charka- Tinegaon (trek)
June 12th - 15th: Stay in Tinegaon and deliver shoes
June 15th -18th: Tinegaon - Shimengoan - Tinegaon (trek/rest)
June 19th- 21st: Tinegoan - Toyu (trek/ rest)
June 22nd - 23rd: Chhumagaon (stay at Monestary)
June 23rd - 26th: Chhumagaon - Ringmo Lake (trek)
June 26th - 29th: Ringmo Lake (rest)
June 29th - July 2nd: Ringmo Lake - Kageni
July 3rd : Kageni - Dunai (trek)
July 4th- 5th Dunai - Ktm (flight/ bus)

ALL SUBJECT TO CHANGE and I say that with a HUGE smile as it will most definitely change.

I am off. Too many cookies, masala tea, and computer heat. If I don't post before I go, be sure to check back at the beginning of July to see hear some INCREDIBLE stories!

ma jut.tah li.nu Dolpo

2008-05-18T22:41:00.021-06:00

little girl and her grandmother, or so i guess

Ma jut.tah li.nu Dolpo literally translates to "I shoes to take Dolpo" which I proudly taught myself this morning. This is what I will tell people when I am asked why I am here in Nepal. I haven't had the chance to use it yet, although I did manage to ask for some green tea this morning in Nepali. A HUGE accomplishment for me.

i am not going to capitalize anything, as the shift key is nearly impossible to hold down. AND i was told no more uploading of photographs so unfortunately this photograph here is the only one you get to see. FOR NOW.

yesterday morning my intentions were clear. get up and write a post up on my blog. i have been skipping around this task for the past few days. a question that keeps popping up in my head, and there are quite a few these days, is, "how do i write this experience, in words, to those back home" the day before that, i took out Christina's computer and hacked away, fingers moving ever so fast, but glitches have it, i couldn't transfer the material over onto a disk, and so there i was, with a pen in hand, slowly writing it down.

and NOW, sitting in front of a slow computer trying helpless to get a post up before i have a meeting with my dolpo guides assistant, Sunil.

as i completed my walk around the Boudhanath stupa i noticed all the monks from a nearby monastery take a seat in front of the stupa. ( boudha is where i am staying at the moment, and nath, i have been told, means street) they chanted away as hundreds of candles were lit. a foreigner leaned into an elder monk, i presumed asked to take a photograph, and without a hint of hesitation, this photographer stuck his camera in the face of the monk and began shooting away. i slowly crept back behind the crowd of monks and put down my camera. thoughts of unworthiness settled in and all of a sudden i rethought my my duties of sponsorship. i don't have it in me. i don't have that kind of confidence and arrogance to stick my camera in someones face, into a people i don't understand, into a religion i have only begun to grasp, where a language and culture are my main barriers.

"my lens doesn't do justice of the intimacy that i need to capture" i constantly remind myself. i am NOT the photographer i thought i was or still hope i could maybe be. to capture an emotion or mood is to NOT stick a camera in a face, as the moment is then lost and the emotion is soon suppressed. my zoom is small and in order to really capture a persons face i need to step it up. a photograph can say a thousand words and yet nothing at all. a true photographer can capture all of the human senses in just one shot. the rest of us just as well put our third eye down. i struggle with the ability to humbly take a portrait. why? because sometimes i feel like it would be going into the slums of nyc and putting my lens in the face of a homeless person and then just walking away. even if the photograph comes with a few rupee bills, what? money for your pain? or is the pain my own to and the ego to think that they ARE in pain?

while i was sitting on these steps contemplating my situation, two very young girls came up to me and started motioning for the camera. i took some random photographs and pressed replay for them to see. i then motioned to see if i could take a photograph of them and they easily smiled and posed for the shot. a few moments later, their grandmother came over and sat down next to them. she then motioned for me to take their photograph. she asked in nepali, or tibetan, i am still unclear of which and smiled with incredible gratitude. she told her eldest granddaughter to sit still and took the smallest child and placed her on her lap., then told her friend to come and sit as well. there were no forced smiles, although i did occasionally get some genuine grins from the youngest. the "grandmother", reminded me of my own grandmother, bossing all the grandchildren around. it's quite the same here in that respect and i absolutely love it.

"su. dar" " rahm.ro" she said, meaning beautiful and good in nepali.

i am completely take by the people here. they are so very kind and are so beautiful that i lack the words to express just how kind and just how beautiful. to have been asked to take their photograph was just short of incredible, and actually really good luck, because i need to show that i am working on some level :)

tourists, come, eat, look, shop, put their arms around old monks while friends take their photograph. which by the way DID happen and i was so appalled all i could do was stare. i am not a tourist. i am in no rush to wiz in and out of this place. for now, kathmandu is home to me and home is a place with friends. i device of a new plan. i will sit and become situated with these people, finding out their names, families, and stories. i will communicate in their language and allow them to feel comfortable with me. i will become their friend. taking someones photograph is very personal and i have not yet mastered it but, if the opportunity arises, like the little girls and women on the stoop, then i will gratefully take their photograph. BUT only if time allows.

this is all for now. nameste.

Saged Intentions

2008-05-11T20:14:00.008-06:00

I stare aimlessly at my computer screen wondering how to direct this post. I am failing over and over again and just end up rambling on like I am now. Last night I sat down with three of my best girlfriends, bending over my computer screen with a glass of wine close by, doing the exact same thing, roaming through JPEG files on my lap top and clicking away at website domains to pull up some info on Nepal and Kashmir for them to see. "Where IS Nepal??" they asked. And that's just fine, because a few years ago I would have asked the same question. It was pretty incredible to see them tracing their fingers over India, Pakistan, Bhutan and Nepal. "OH, THAT'S where Tibet is!" Kate yelled. THAT is priceless for all the right reasons.

It's been quite hard to explain to my family and friends, back on the East Coast, just exactly where it is that I will be heading to and WHY. The other night I sat in the hot seat, my uncle, sister and brother in law beaming red eyes at me demanding answers to the endless questions that bounced back and forth across the table at which we dined. Actually, I didn't dine at all, for lack of appetite and language to communicate with. It's hard to explain what it is that I am doing and why I am doing it. I lead a very different life and speak, metaphorically speaking, an entirely different language then the rest of my family. How do I explain, after years of formal education, that I am going to go trek some shoes into regions of the World they have never even heard of OR why I am about to place myself in sticky political situation in Kashmir to get some answers to some questions I have: How can I help supply hundreds of thousands of Kashmiris, with clean water using solar energy. They think I am crazy. I think nothing of it.

A lot has happened these past couple of weeks. Logistics have drastically changed. Airlines have backed out on their word for luggage allowance, shoes have been miss routed, and when things seem to just get absolutely impossible, I reevaluate the situation and realize a disaster isn't a disaster at all but a blessing. Quite often we wrap ourselves around an idea, or a goal to achieve and THEN, we plan out exactly how it's going to happen. I laugh out loud at that because that plan almost always fails, due to expectation or just plain foolishness, to think that WE can plan all the beautiful details. We may chose to have an experience, but the journey that takes us there is not ours to control. Choosing whether that experience or journey is positive or negative IS ours to control, but to try and control the journey will just leave us feeling drained and disappointed.

So I guess this has turned into a post about expectation, control and surrender.

The other day I was on the beach with a friend, a soul sister of sorts, and we often get together once a year and do a "sage intention" ritual. The ritual is to consciously contemplate the things that have gone on this past year and to recognize there are things we will need to let go of in order to grow. Kind of like cleaning out the closet but different. We let go of ex boyfriends, negative and old thought patterns, bad habits, etc. Things we would like to let in would be things like love, abundance, peace, laughter and such. We individually think about our specific intentions and write it down on separate pieces of paper. We then speak it out loud to each other, validating it some how, and wrap them together, tuck in some sage and burn it. Sound hippie enough to you? I think so.

A big process of the journey is to surrender to it; have a goal in mind and then surrender. It's almost like writing a "Christmas list" and handing it over to the universe, God, guru, or temple of worship, and say, "Here. This is what I want. Figure it out. Make it happen. I'll be open to receiving it." My Christmas List has just a few things including shoes, safe travels, lightness and laughter. The shoes won't get to their final destination without safe travels and lightness wouldn't happen without laughter.

Over the years our list of intentions grow smaller and smaller, more concise and less specific. BUT to have an idea of what we want and what we don't want allows us to focus our energy on making the things we want happen, and the ones we don't, well, we don't focus on those and they just end up turning into the wind. We are growing beings, ever evolving, and constantly changing our minds and our thoughts. It's important to be ok with that. To not judge it but to accept it and surrender to it.

I surrender to the fact that I am difficult to understand; in my families eyes. I surrender to the fact that this journey is NOTHING how I imagine it will be. I surrender to the fact that my life, as beautiful as it is, will have it's own agenda, rainy days and closed doors. But it's in those times that I will have to get out my map, trace my fingers along some lines, and create a new plan, one that will most diffidently stay liquid.

I am going to leave you all with a glimpse of my intentions.

Lose fear.
Welcome in possibility.

Let go of Loss.
Let in abundance.

Release used up tears.
Gather in laughter.

Create the grandest expression of yourself.
Inspire other's to do the same.

Duck Tape

2008-04-21T18:17:00.015-06:00

Getting a kick out of Kyle. (Our Auctioneer)

Some Solo Time

Me, Kyle and Taylor sporting our style on stage.

It's been a bit of time since I have written in my "journal" and for reasons that are worth getting into. April 10th was of great accomplishment. We, meaning I, raised well over SEVENTEEN hundred dollars at the "Little Yoga Warriors and the Outdoor Industry Shoe the Children of Nepal" fundraiser. There were seventy friends situating themselves in fine conversation, happily accompanied by sponsored pints of Avery IPA. Coming to the realization that I HAVE that many friends, I am even more blown away by their eager support that made this all happen. I auctioned off and sold ALL, but three pieces of my art, rocked some soulful originals with my incredible band mates and GREAT friends, and created quite the buzz for what I am getting myself into in three weeks. If you "GOOGLED" Little Yoga Warriors, there was even an article up on Climbing Magazine's web page. YES, I am bragging.

It seems this year is the year of the SEVEN, SEVENty friends, SEVENteen hundred dollars, seven heart stones that I found all in a row hiking in the foothills, AND low and behold I am twenty-SEVEN years for another four or so months. Maybe that should have been the title for this post. Or, if you could figure out what the deal is with all the SEVEN's let me know. BUT there is seemingly a more befitting title that you have read above. DUCK TAPE.

Duck tape has become quite symbolic these past few months, not only because it has been the brand of tape that I have relied upon while I sealed every little bit of my material life and locked it away in my friend Laura's attic, but because in a sense, there are quite a few things I have come to know as MY "duck tape". Please feel free to skim the following: Annie's bed. My ex - house mates over at 1409 for letting me make a studio space out of their living room. Ok, so I lie, MOST of the house. Taylor and Kyle who actually got out of bed to have "band practice" at 9 AM the day of the fundraiser. Nine am doesn't sound too intimidating, but it is when you have to use your vocals and hand coordination so aggressively so early in the day. Swiss airlines for finally giving into me and the shoes. Josh, for allowing me to be quite moody for MANY days before and after the event. My cherished friends to offer their hands, expertise, advice and laughter of the craziness that has become my life. The invention of coffee. The invention of wine. The invention of Horseshoes, paint thinner, and meditation; not all used at the same time. AND let's not forget the magnitude of people that have contributed to this project, and I am not just talking sponsors. Friends, family, and strangers that have put me in touch with those who could offer up some insight to these regions that are SO foreign to me. You get the idea. All that I have mentioned above have been my "duck tape" and I know I am leaving quite a few people out and not giving them fame to their brilliancy.

This is a perfect time to introduce to you a "duck tape" story.

Leona, an absolute bad ass (sorry, but I really couldn't rack my brain for another word that would be of such magnitude) who is a fantastic and knowledgeable resource for me regarding Dolpo. Just for some background, she traveled around with a caravan (many people) in Dolpo about 10 years ago. I gave her a ring the other day to ask her some questions and let her know that I was pretty close to choosing Dolpo for possible donation of ALL the shoes. It just felt right and we will have to make some choices for various reasons when we get into Nepal. She validated my gut feelings and said, "Have I ever told you of the Duck Tape story?" "AH, NO" I easily replied and could feel the goosebumps ALREADY forming on my body. She told me of how she came to a village and an older woman held up her ragged, white, tennis shoes, and motioned to see if Leona could fix them. At the time she was carrying around two rolls of duck tape, wrapped around her Nalgene Bottle. Later that evening she was still repairing every last villager's shoes.

SO, I guess I am heading into the right region, to say the least.

I just purchased about 6 rolls of duck tape and another who knows how many yards of rope for shoe lace repair.

I am about to embark on an incredible journey, and although I have been planning this trip since January, it's still very surreal to me that I will ACTUALLY be trekking into the middle of no where, in a country that boarders Tibet, with porters, some horses, and a TON of gear. WAIT WHAT? How did I get here. Oh yeah, Christina kicked a horse shoe in the Himalayas. Another story for another time.

I have been bouncing around from one house to the next and living out of a few boxes and a backpack. My guitars are happily in one spot, which means that I have to bike to them when I have a moment of nostalgia. But my head, unfortunately is not; in one place that is. I have taped my life and under the stickiness lies a woman who still considers herself to be a little girl not a cut throat business woman. A free spirit not a guru at logistics. Someone who has been, at the very least, emotionally unavailable. But these days, you can often find me screaming, "BRING IT ON UNIVERSE". Meaning I am open to new experiences. SO whatever journey is offered to me. Whatever trail I find myself on. I will no doubt tag along with me multiple rolls of duck tape. Just in case the shoes run out. And oh they will. If I need it to patch a bit of confusion, (another "OH I WILL") I will be well equipped.

A Door For Change

2008-04-09T23:17:00.004-06:00

About a year ago, I and two of my most treasured friends, Annie and Alex, who also happen to be sisters, decided we wanted to start a non profit. I had a 15 piece photography exhibit lined up and I wanted to donate a percentage of the proceeds to the non profit Bead For Life, based here in boulder. I didn't end up donating a dime. I sold one photograph....ah the life of an artist. The name "A Door For Change" stemmed from this photograph above. We wanted our non profit to raise money for various other non profits. Short and simple. It symbolized, and still symbolizes, that one door opened isn't just one door but a path to many. The many paths of change and influence. We were SO eager to start something, to I don't know, maybe NOT work a desk job and work for something we actually believed in, that our one idea turned to many and we couldn't decide which direction we wanted to take.

We didn't start the non profit. It wasn't right and we weren't ready. Now here I am with a company, a FOR profit company, Little Yoga Warriors, that gives back to smaller organizations, non profits, individuals, etc that are doing incredible things in all walks of life, WHILE also educating children on rich and remote cultures within multiple continents. Speaking of which, I think it's time that I give a SMALL introduction to what is about to take place.

On May 13th I am taking a 3 day journey to Kathmandu Nepal. I will be leaving my neurotic mom weeping at the gates, either from happiness to finally lose all forms of communication with me, (she has been my backbone this past year with LYW) or from pure fear that I will die from polio or Japanese Encephalitis . I know, absurd, but you should have seen the list of shots I was "recommended" to get for this trip. I let the nurse double stab, one in each arm, to get it over with, I am such a baby when it comes to that stuff, and I'll have to take my chances with the rest and will let you all know how things pan out. Ok back to my update. I will be trekking 250 pairs of shoes and socks into TWO restricted regions in Nepal. Dolpo and Mustang, are considered to be the two last enclaves, of virtually unexplored Tibetan territory in the world.

As of now, with the incredible generosity of the guys over at Mountain Professionals www.mtnprofessionals.com all of the socks sit locked away in a storage unit at a small hotel in the Kathmandu valley. Please check out their blog and follow along as fellow friend, Ryan Waters and his expedition team, make their journey to summit Everest. SmartWool has donated the socks, Chaco and Soles 4 Souls, the Shoes. Patagonia supplied the bags. Isis, Totem Industries, SmartWool, Zeal Optics, and Cloudveil have outfitted us. World Nomads Insurance, will be my right arm. If I end up in a hospital or my camera gets snagged, I am ALL covered. AHHHHHHHH, huge sigh of relief, as I wipe the ALMOST sweat from above my eyebrow.

Like I have stated before, we give back to the communities in which we research. Dolpo and Mustang will be the focus of our next (second) book and while the people of Dolpo and Mustang will provide invaluable information about living peacefully with the land, I will return the favor the best I can, providing sturdy, comfortable and warm shoes and socks, and maybe a jig or two on the guitar that I will bring with me. Music IS the UNIVERSAL language and I hope to charm them with my musical skills as my verbal language, will, to say the least, be LACKING.

Why Shoes? This past year I have learned a lot about the human form, because of my own health issues, and I stumbled upon a very interesting topic. FEET are the FOUNDATION of the body. I mean, it seems pretty obvious, but why is it that we know nothing of their powers? To not absolutely bore you of this knowledge I will give it to you straight. If our feet are not supported our body is not supported and EVERYTHING else goes out of whack. The people in these regions virtually rely on their feet for all mode of travel. They happen to be the complete opposite of the average American, and we can all laugh at that statement knowing just how TRUE it is. They need shoes more then we do. And since I love walking around barefoot I will happily give them mine.

This is a SOLO mission. And by "solo" I mean not with a group. Christina, another cherished friend and my partner in crime, will take this journey with me. She and a handful of porters, guide and horses. Many have asked, "WHY are you doing this?" My reply. "Life doesn't make sense to me if I just sit here at my computer delegating tasks, illustrating books, selling books, giving lectures blah blah blah. Life makes sense to me when i am LIVING my life. " Someone once gave me this advice and to THIS day, it's still the best advice anyone has ever given me. It went something like this... and then of course i have tweaked it about and have added my own truth: You can't wait for people to do something you want to get done. You HAVE to do it yourself. Once you do it, clear the path, THEN they will follow. But only until you clear that path will they then walk it. It's up to you to do that "something" you want done.

I can't say it enough. YOU and only YOU can make it happen.

SO, here I am. I don't REALLY have a desk job, although you can often find me in my long johns, sipping tea, getting burned in the sun on the back deck, lost IN my computer. I DO own a company and with that requires a lot of desk like work. BUT I have another book to research for and although I could, why the hell would I research through other peoples research? There is an ENTIRE world to be discovered out there. My life's mission is to discover it, document it, and inspire others to preserve this magic, so that maybe one day, my grand kids can call me up and say, "hey guess where I am going?? MUSTANG!" and let's just hope it's still got the same grace and beauty as it has today, 30 years from now and that maybe my grand kids will have kept their childlike peaceful and loving being to continue the legacy.

I am tired. Enough blabber mouthing.

Be Inspired. Take Action. Go Exploring.

Wearing Different Shoes: An Interview with Gramicci

2008-04-01T11:36:00.001-06:00

An Interview With Gramicci and My Many Different Shoes

In the late fall of 2007 I got a phone call from Lucas, a friend and an employee for Gramicci. He asked if Little Yoga Warriors and I would like to be featured in their 2008 Catalog. This offers a great deal of information about the foundation of what Little Yoga Warriors is all about and the Expedition that will take place in Nepal in May 2008.

THE INTERVIEW:

LG: What draws you to finding a sustainable way to live?

KT: There are so many variables. I think part of it is in my blood, to go down a path that is less trampled on, more treasured, a path more respectful of the natural environment. Part of this eagerness to live sustainably came later on in life while I was studying at University. I kept stumbling upon these courses, with professors that literally dropped their students off in the middle of nowhere, abandoned farm country and would say things like, “ Ok kids, what do you see? What do you hear? Report back at the van after sunrise." We would follow deer, rabbit, fox, and squirrel tracks on ski’s. We could be there all day, nose to the snow, tracking these animals around to see where their dens were. I started seeing the world with completely new eyes, far away from a world where they first opened back in Connecticut. I was mesmerized by this world.

I once had to take an exam in the middle of a snow storm, my gloves were icing over, my hair soaked, and every time I put my pencil down to write on the paper, it would slowly tear, as paper will often do when it’s wet. By then end of the four hour exam I got back in the bus, grinned, handed my paper over to my professor and said, “good luck reading that, how do you feel about a redo?” we all laughed, there were about 12 of us frozen solid and with the same results. THAT is what education is all about. Not so much the test results but the experience that takes place while learning.

LG: What draws you to teaching children?

KT: CHILDREN draw me to teach children. They are the most intuitive, free loving, laughter based, brilliant beings on this earth. They scream, “Let’s play outside and discover EVERYTHING!” Where there is only black and white, they see color. They can take one look around and see everything as a magical land. Children are SO right on in everything they say or do. They haven’t been molded yet into the close-mouthed, close-minded; keep your thoughts to yourself, way of life. I can very much relate to them.

They say it how it is; they SEE it how it is. They are so dam creative that sometimes I put my hands up in the air and say, “I am doomed, I just got stumped by a 4 year old” Children want to play, they want to dream, and they are all ART. They can turn ANYTHING into an art project and transform sand into small cities just by looking at a mound of it on the beach. They talk to animals and can relate to them on a deeper level. They don’t judge unless they are taught to judge.

Children are the only hope we have because THEY get it. They love ALL that is in this world; sometimes I think the only reason LOVE is still here is purely because of them. Children love everything and everyone with no guards up and no walls to break down. They teach US how to love because they let us love them under no condition.

LG: Tell us how your first book Sasha and Mishoo: Little Yoga Warriors came about?

KT: Jeff, my business partner and I met at a local coffee shop back in the summer of 2005. He and his wife had just moved to boulder from Seattle, and I had just come back from living in New Zealand. He had these grand plans of writing a children’s book about yoga and I jumped at the chance to illustrate it. My skills were a bit rusty, I hadn't picked up any sort of art medium, anything but my camera and guitar in two years, but lied and told him, “oh piece of cake”. Very far from it.

LG: What has been the response and feedback?

KT: You know, everyone wanted to have their own say in this project. We have gotten everything from doubt and warning to excitement and praise. People tend to be very afraid of trying something new and I found that there were some people who were hesitant about this project; “not enough money too much time” kind of thing. Then there were those who kept getting goose bumps by our concepts and dreams. And in the end, creating a bridge between children all over the world through environmental and cultural education, is worth all the risk.

As for how we published, A LOT of respect there, for printing the way we thought it should be done. To get a book published is one thing, to self publish and to self publish SUSTAINABLY is entirely different. I was practically married to our printing firm for 7 months solid. My hands were decorated in reds/yellows/purples/blues. People have loved the final product and it’s been such an incredible journey to have everyone from major publishing houses, and big name companies in the yoga and outdoor industries, supporting us so for what we have been doing. I think the biggest honor: my friends constantly tell me that by following my dreams and making it happen, has give them hope to follow their own.

LG: With all the new publicity regarding the Green Sustainable movement, what do you think is most important for people to know right now?

KT: There is so much to take in; I mean it’s kind of ridiculous in a sense. It’s become such a trend, who has the most eco friendly grocery bag, the most energy efficient car, home, lifestyle. BUT this trend I commend because people LOVE trendiness and the people behind the environmental movement have created a spectacle out of the “green movement” connecting to a great amount of people who normally wouldn’t really take notice of a more ecological and friendly lifestyle. We are growing as a society and every day more and more people say YES to going local and NO to corporate. Oh wait, maybe It’s just because I live in Boulder, CO that I see this.

But really, the most important thing to know: BABY STEPS. Don’t take too much on, do what you can. We all know our ability to over use energy and raw materials and thus creating quite a large environmental footprint and every day we read more and more about new animals being added on to the endangered species list, ice in the arctic that is melting at an astonishing speed, natural disasters due to the rise in temperature, I mean the list is endless. Where is the list of HOW DO WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? We need to take action, get involved, clean up the trash that sits on the sidewalks outside our house, change our light bulbs, turn off our heat, and our air conditioning, open the windows or insulate our homes better. Learn how other cultures are living peacefully with the land. There is a TON we can learn from them.

LG: What inspires you today?

KT: EVERYONE. My greatest teachers are the people I pass on the street or seeing a friend elude compassion towards themselves and life. Travel, LAUGHTER, and living a more peaceful and simple lifestyle inspires me to keep growing. I get all worked up about all the things we have to do this lifetime to make a difference within this world but I try to stay focused on the beauty I see daily and go from there.

LG: Who is your favorite artist?

KT: I can’t answer this. Picasso? The way he saw the world has fascinated me since I was a kid. Every day I see something new from a “just discovered” artist, that BLOWS my mind, and I am like, “why didn’t I think of that?” I have profound, never dwindling respect, for ALL artists. They take the time to see the world differently; that’s admirable. Even if I don’t like a piece of art I have appreciation for it. I can always find something that I like. It’s my absurdly POSITIVE attitude. I can’t help it. I just recently found out Katie means ABSOLUTELY in Hindi.

I Live in a World with Little Yoga Warriors

2008-03-27T14:57:00.009-06:00

BUY THE BOOK: www.littleyogawarriors.com

In January 2007 I co- founded a company with a friend of mine, Jeff Mix. We call it Little Yoga Warriors. We believe that creative story telling and magical illustrations will encourage children to continue to view the world through fresh new eyes. Our first children's book debuted at the Summer Outdoor Retail Show in 2007. "Sasha and Mishoo: Little Yoga Warriors" (cover illustration placed above) Our mission is to educate children on cultural and environmental issues through children's books. We believe knowledge is the key to a more peaceful world.

We choose to self publish all of our books until the Publishing world steps up to the plate and starts using printing methods that strive to create sustainable material. We distribute non toxic and earth friendly books by using 100% recycled PCW paper, soy based inks, 100% wind power, and NO that doesn't necessarily mean that there is a full blown wind mill on the top of our printers building in upstate NY, and if it DID, I would be the first one to commend them for it. We support companies that do their part in getting on the GREEN band wagon. Those who believe in respecting our Earth and all that live in it, usually tend to be the ones treading lightly on the Earth so that future generations know the beauty we have been blessed to experience. We want to work with these people and IF you happen to be one of them, please let me know.

Little Yoga Warriors means exactly THAT. A warrior is known as a mercenary or soldier: a member of an army or one who works for a specified cause. We encourage children to become not a fighter but a believer in the difference they can make in the world and within themselves. We encourage them to connect to their bodies, minds, and to the earth. We encourage them to get out of the house, away from technology and back into the natural surroundings which welcomes them. We support a world where children have who no concept of religious discrimination.

Each region of the world has their own history, cultural, way of life. By introducing these different ways of life, we will encourage children to think outside of the box, past conformity, and into a world of endless wonder and respect for ALL people and the natural world. We are therefore committed to working with non profits, organizations, or with independent people who live within the villages we seek our research in, and to give back to their communities in anyway we can. Currently we donate a % of all proceeds from Sasha and Mishoo: Little Yoga Warriors to The Tibetan Village Project, www.tibetanvillageproject.org

By becoming involved with Little Yoga Warriors you are saying YES to a more sustainable planet, YES to cultural awareness and acceptances, and YES to a more peaceful planet.

We welcome you to a NEW generation of children.

Tentanda Via Est

2008-03-26T23:09:00.009-06:00

Since the beginning of my verbal existence, Gram, my grandmother, ACTUALLY granted me the nick name, "the mouth", which quickly and rightfully so, stuck with my mom, dad, grandfather, and all immediate family members, until the dam broke and my entire world would come to know of this name. A small girl, in an even smaller body, with a mouth that would take OFF, when, where, and how it wanted too, I have slowly learned to tone it down quite a bit. But only by a mere fracture line, and it has taken me my entire life to do so. That being said, it's kind of befitting that I now have a blog, for me to freely and openly say, what ever it is, that I feel needs to be said.

A bit of history for you. Some insight to this blog and just HOW this came to be.

My first year out of college I was still in the mode of, " I can change the world". I had that naive belief that it was ACTUALLY possible. I believed, do believe, that with an education based around nature and environmental awareness, children will grow up learning the fundamental values of living with compassion, not hatred; acceptance, not judgement; peace, NOT war. Over the years I have passionately studied the impact the environment has on our well being and how something as simple as a flower, or a ripple in the ocean, has a PROFOUND effect on our mood and how we view the world. I wanted to move the world. All the people in it, to a more peaceful state. Education was the vehicle. Education IS the vehicle.

With my high hopes and even bigger dreams, I couldn't decide how to merge my love for life with the rat race work ethic. "Maybe I will hit the road make a record and sell a million copies, retire early? Travel Journalist? Painter, photographer, herbalist, kayak guide?" Life had become an overwhelming list of choices and I couldn't decide which one would fit me best. Nothing was on that list that made me say, "OK. This is what my life should look like". CHAOS. And it was chaos. Me living in a box that I couldn't get out of. Find the right job, right living situation, right man, right look, right laughter, right smile, right opinion, right walk...RUN.. and that's just what I did. I ran straight out of the country and found myself driving solo on the windy roads of New Zealand, in an old beat up Nissan van called HOMEY. No kidding, right after my given name.

I have never felt more at home than when I was living out of that van.

If you have ever had the chance to reinvent yourself, you might just guess what kind of layers I shed on that trip I called, "Fleeing America". I peeled off so many layers that I was naked right down to the bare soul of my existence. Nothing made sense. Everything made sense. I was able to finally choose the layers I wanted to put back on and one by one I did. I tossed the rest away. I felt like a 4 year old girl in my mom's closet, grabbing everything that caught my eye. Trying it on, taking it off, wearing shoes that were too big for me, hat's that covered my eyes. I had the time of my life, and by the end I was exhausted, crawled into my favorite attire and flew home.

People get so caught up in the things that they are expected to do that they lose sight of themselves in the process. They then wonder why every day seem to be full of chores and the weekends some kind of God that they worship. When I returned back home my eyes had changed. Not the color, although they often do, but my view. I could finally see. It's not that I couldn't see before I left, but it had been hazy. It's like this: I had been blind since the age of 14 and then all of a sudden the universe recommended contacts.

We choose to see what we want to see. We choose to feel what we want to feel. I chose a different life, vowing to never get trapped in a box again. I decided that If I was going to be trapped, it better be circular and made out of water so I could easily remove any belief that didn't serve me anymore with one flick of my little finger. I lived on a friends couch, because she wouldn't let me put up the tent in the front yard, and I painted to release my uncertainty. Wrote music to release my fear, and started to drink mound fulls of Mate' at the local coffee shop, who decided to hire me when they realized they needed an overly obnoxious, happy person, to run the front counter. I was high on life and believed that every moment was an opportunity to reinvent myself, over and over, creating anything I wanted to experience. Each experience brought me back to day one. AND YES, it involves changing the world.

In Native American folklore, a chief tells a story to a young boy. He speaks of two wolves that live and fight inside of every person. One wolf fights for anger, jealousy, stubbornness, and selfishness. The other wolf fights for joy, love, acceptance, and selflessness. When the boy asks which wolf wins, the chief simply replies, "the one we feed". We stoke our own fire. We fuel every desire and every misfortune just by the thoughts inside our head. We create it all and yet we point fingers to everyone but ourselves.

If you don't like the life you lead, the job you have, the friends you share company with, step out of your box. Make a new one. Take a step in your own direction. Cut back the overgrown grass of a path that is yet to exist. Make it your own. Make your life one that you think is worth living. Have no regrets. Speak up for what you believe in. Make it happen. Get outside more. Outside of the structure that doesn't serve you. Get INSIDE more. Make time to see the beauty that this life has to offer. My grandfather used to say " Tentanda Via Est". There is always a way to be found.

Have you found YOURS?

Soundless Until Recently

2008-03-17T20:57:00.042-06:00

The other night I sang a song. The "on the spot" kind of song, the unrehearsed, never played before kind of song. The one that pours out of you while you sit on stage, with a red light shining down that says "look at her, she is to be looked at, stared at, all the creases in her eyes, in her mouth, the twitching of her nose, her hands"

The light turned into a fierce heat, thick with expectation, holding me hostage until I gave it up. So I did. I wore a baseball cap as if to hide the truth of the words that slowly and shockingly came out of my mouth. They seemed to have a movement all their own. It's the kind of movement that doesn't think. It feels. It goes where and WHEN it wants to go.

Because you cannot turn the light off ON the musician, it's like turning the light off IN the musician, when ironically the light shouldn't really be a light at all but a sound, a noise, that is somehow heard through the 2 speakers that hang above. One on the left and one on the right, me in the middle playing god, singing anything I want to because people will believe you if you sing the truth that resides within you. So here we go... time to give my heart, a bit of my soul, some humor, depth.... "close your eyes...... turn yourself in... lyrics will then emerge" Thoughts take form. Beats fill the air. Music is created. Emotions are handed out. The audience wakes up or falls asleep. They are changed, opened, or shut down. Turned off or turned on. Me, I turn on.

That's kind of how it is with writing. Words on paper. At once we are judged for everything we haven't said and too much for what we HAVE said. Still, this is who I am. Nothing more and nothing less. I am afraid to share it. Just like on stage, in those few moments. Do it all or something less? I give it all. My sponsors expect it. I expect it. Don't rewrite, rethink, redo. I don't get a second chance on stage and I surrender to that small detail. One slip of the finger, lack of pronunciation, wrong pretense.

No, I will not edit this not for the over usage of comma's or run on sentences. My life IS taking place in the past, present and future, all jumbled up like a ball of rubber bands, overlapping in an array of color and meaning. I will not edit my life. I will not cut out one color so that the other one can shine through. I am no longer the onlooker, reading the journey of others. I have become the journey. I have become the song I sing. Welcome to my blog. Naked and shared.